Where did I get it from?
Where did I get it from?
You’ve been an itch I couldn’t seem to reach..
The torture not permitting me to move on with life..
Seeming to take your approval for everything I do, in my head of course..
You’ve never really been there for me, neither you nor your inflated ego.
Not once have you bothered about me..
Asked me how I’m doing..
Been concerned about what I feel..
You’ve enjoyed your parties.. Hanging out with people.. “socializing”..
Not realizing that all my fun and frolic stopped, as I could only associate it with you.
You’ve eaten to your heart’s content, slept peaceful and long, taken good care of yourself..
Hardly knowing I’ve fallen sick skipping meals.. And giving up on my sleep, just thinking about you.
You’ve gone on with your life..
Never realizing that mine had stopped from the moment I loved you..
Yes, I’d loved you-unconditionally, irrevocably..
No more, I say.
No more will I be that naive to fall for someone who hardly gives a dime.
No more will I let my life be led by the strings you control me with.
No more will I follow you, just so that I’d see that smile.. those eyes.. that face..
Love is supposedly an emotion that cures.. helps.. heals.. fixes..
But here you are digging deeper wounds..
Making newer ones..
You’re just brutally inhuman.. And I’m glad I realized..
Happy to have found my lost rationality and sense..
So, here I am.. Giving you a last thought..
I’ll be your acquaintance forever,
But a lover no longer..
With this ends a long history of pain.. hurt.. suffering..
… And at last, I bid you goodbye.
I lie flat on the coarse sand
Feeling earth in the purest form possible
Amidst the countless number of people whooshing past
Just lying there, for what seems an eternity.
Its texture uncomfortable to most
But to me, it feels so natural
Because it’s here I lie when I feel bogged down
When it seems like everything is crumbling around
When I’m dead..To myself
..And to the world.
Does anyone even notice that there’s someone drowning in a storm?
Do I ever cross anyone’s mind, enough to receive a worried call?
Does anyone even care that I’ve not had a decent meal in days? .. Perhaps weeks?
Why is it so that I never have anyone with me?
Fate’s never been on my side
But then again, neither has luck.
It’s a cruel game, that which life plays
And I’m the ball being tossed around.
What’s it like to have a family?
To live under one roof, plan fancy vacations?
To dream a dream of living a dream
With people who love and give it their all?
I feel like cardboard.. Feel like a stone.
To express emotions is no easy goal.
For when you have no one to pamper you with all the joy in the world,
From where would you learn to return the sweet nothings?
So here I lie on the coarse sand wondering..
Will I ever be under one roof, that which I could call home?
Will I ever have people by my side, that who I could call family?
Will I ever get the love I want to give, thereby being homeless no more?..
Staring deep into the night sky.
Trying to connect the million dots up there.
To sketch that one perfect face and etch it in the sky.
To be able to look at it, as many times as I blink.
Obsessed. Paranoid. Crazy. Call it what you want.
The brutal fact is that insanity beckons me.
Do I love him or am I in love with him?
There seems to be no end to this quest I’m on.
Mere random thoughts?
No, I’m connecting the dots.
For once the rationality in me seems to be slipping away.
Feelings make no sense and have no reason to stay.
Yet here I am writing these words.
Claiming the possibility of loving him more.
A great friend I find in him.
A greater lover seems to be there too.
When he talks to me
I see the passion in his eyes.
He exudes exuberant charisma.
His charming smile always working wonders.
I’ve gotten to know the other side of him too.
With that sad twinkle in his eyes.
I long to hold him tight and fight his pain away.
Long to love him so much so that he’ll never cry again.
I promise to love him with all my heart and soul.
I know my love for him is true because I never let him go.
He’s forever in my deepest thoughts, my inner heartbeats, so close.
For it’s in there I’ve locked him tight, it’s something he’ll never know..
There’s so much that could be said
From the random thoughts in my head.
Still so blank, so cold.
Just an onlooker watching life unfold.
I close my eyes, my memories take flight.
Your hand on mine, your touch so light.
I can’t help but smile.
Your ever-stirring gaze, always giving me a daze.
Asking that unanswered question, when your eyebrows you raise.
Oh what a wonderful phase!
Feeling disoriented when I open my eyes.
Standing alone, no one to hear my cries.
Why has time broken and distanced you from me?
This was not where we had wanted to be.
I’m coming to see you, to give us another try.
Hoping you’d feel the same as I.
But soon I see those very eyes looking
At another’s, oh so deeply loving.
Too naïve to deny what I feel for you.
Too careful to open up and show it to you.
Too “in love” to move on from you.
Too hesitant to accept the inevitable truth.
Still so blank, so cold.
Just an onlooker watching life unfold..