Connection

There is not a place
Where you feel accepted!
There is not a place
You feel loved!
There is not a place
You don’t feel left!
Well, you forgot it’s a cruel world
People are not what they say!

There is not a place
You find silence!
There is not a place
Where your not broken!
There is not a place
You don’t question!
Forgot,it’s still the same place
guess you can never leave!

There is not a place
Your not numb!
There is not a place
You don’t miss that someone!
There is not a place
Your not neglected!
Guess you’ll always be this way
Despite wanting to change!

Poem by Isha Mehta

Her-Him-Her

And there she was..
The love of his life..
Wondering, has it really been 5years?
When with her, time was just a number..
But these were the moments that counted..
Five years ago, what was theirs ended..
And to find some possible explanation to that abrupt end,
There they were once again.

And here I am..
Recalling his stories for the millionth time
His stories of their love story..
Of the sorrow, pain and whole series of emotions that followed.
I’ve thought of it so often because..
It was the reason that made me fall for him.. Hard.
It was this non-shallow, sensitive, profound nature of his emotions
That got me longing for some.

Selfish, aren’t I?
A friend confides in me and I start a fantasy starring the two of us.
But it wasn’t just a phase.
He’d shared his deepest sentiments with me..
I knew every inch of that story.. Knew him so well
And though I’d never met her,
I knew her in and out.
Knew what they shared.. How they felt..
And what followed in his story, after theirs ended.

Did he know mine?
He knows but doesn’t realise he’s a part of it.
That’s fine by me. My concern is him alone, not us.
I’ve gone passed those ego barriers that wanted the self to be happy.
My present ego is happy only when he’s happy, with me or not.
And so, we’re the same old- friends? family?
I’d rather not name our relationship.
It takes its form on its own, and it’s best to let it be.

He tells me that he was to meet her the next day.
Abandoning my current chores.. I was all ears.
He was excited, happy, nervous, uncertain, and a whole lot more.
But what I felt was insane..
I bore the burden of hurt, pain, dismay yet I couldn’t be happier.
It was something he’d always wanted to do- meet her and talk it out.
And finally, the time’s come.
I was excited, relieved, anxious and so very happy for him.

The next day, no news from him.
Why am I worrying?
He’s meeting a girl he loved.
But she’s also the girl who broke his heart.
And that’s why I worry.
She was the reason for a lot of his pain..
She was the reason I’ve seen him render sorrow philosophically and artistically.
She was the reason I got to see him upset, and once,
I got to see the moistness in his eyes.
But she made him who he was in her absence.

Here I am..
Wondering and really hoping things would work out.
All I want is for him to not be hurt..
He deserves all the joy in the world.
I want him to get what he wants..
He’s missed her, yearned for her..
And I know the feeling..
Because I’ve yearned for him.

Awaiting news from him, I have never felt so stirred before.
So many emotions all at once, caused by one mere human?

After the meet, he claims that same spark to be lost.
He’s confused and just hitting in the dark.
On the one hand he feels things have changed and it didn’t have the excitement it used to have
But on the other, she apologises and tells him she’s never loved anyone like him.
Should he trust her or just be indifferent considering the pain she put him through?

Here he is telling me everything..
And I’m all ears though it hurts me to bits..
It’s a helpless situation..
Where neither can I solve his dilemma nor can I solve my own because of his.

The only thing beautiful is uncertainty.
Where certainty doesn’t satisfy you,
Uncertainty doesn’t set you free..

Definition of..

Establishment selling coffee, with a facility to to consume it on the premises — Definition of a café

Physical appreciation, visual impression — look

Attractive and possessing charm — Beautiful

(of a man) Attractive — Handsome

A facial expression comprised by flexing the muscles of both ends of one’s mouth — Smile

To communicate by means of speech — To talk

To view as valuable — To appreciate

To trade or barter — Exchange …. Numbers

A telephone conversation — Call

Short Message Service — SMS

Establishment selling coffee, with a facility to to consume it on the premises — Café

A prearranged social meeting — Definition of a date

An affectionate close embrace — Hug

Two people touching each other’s lips together — To kiss

A state of emotion so intense that the person is carried beyond rational thought and self-control — Ecstasy

An intense feeling of affection and care towards another person — Definition of love

Flow of charged electrons — Electricity….. In the

Atmospheric substance above the surface of the earth — Air………. From the next

Part of the day from dawn to midday — Morning……. It’s always

Call – Café – Hug – Café – Hug – Calls

SMS – Café – Kiss (or Comparative form of many — More)……. Till one day

To discover — To find out

An act of deception, fraud, trickery, imposture or imposition — Cheating

A jerk; an inappropriately mean, inconsiderate, contemptible, obnoxious,

Intrusive, or rude person — Definition of an asshole.

To shed tears — To cry

Handsome does not do beautiful things

To shed tears — To cry

No more Café – Hug – Kiss

To shed tears — To cry

To set apart or cut off from others — To isolate

Overwhelming mental anguish or grief, especially caused by loss or disappointment —

— Definition of a Heartbreak.

She She

She is strong…

She she ..she.. she

She..she she she she

She she she.. she she

She he she

And she is she

But she needs he she

She.. she she.. she she

She she she she she

She..she..she.. she.. she

He she she.. she

Now she is scared.

Stay or Stay Away

All this while I took pride
In the one thing I thought I was good at.
The one thing I never do is
Break promises
Or hurt the closest people to me
By letting go of my attachment.
And I have to confess,
For once, I went wrong.
You told me I was the closest thing to you in your current world.
You told me I’d be the only one you would miss, if you left.
You told me you’d never let go of me.
Because letting go of me is like letting go of you.
But you let go.
Of me.
Of you.
And it wrecked me considerably
That despite my initial efforts in pleading you to stay,
You never did.
I found it hard to believe you.
So I let go too.
Of you.
Of me.

Stay.
Stay was all I wanted you to do.
Stay was all I ever wanted from anyone.
Stay with me. Be the same.
The way you feel. The way you love.
Just Stay.

But you stayed away.
Your defense was the claim of change being inevitable.
So you stayed away.
You knew about all the others who never stayed.
And promised to do otherwise.
Yet you chose to stay away.

And what did I do?

I let you stay away while staying away too.
I cursed myself for trusting you.
Even tried to hate you for a while.
But that was a futile attempt.

Because I know you.
I know you hurt ’cause you’re hurting.
Know that you choose to stay away,
Not from me, or anyone for that matter,
But from the potential pain caused by people.

I failed to perceive the intentions behind your actions
The sorrow you bore alone.
I realise nothing will change between us.
And I have tried to keep things impersonal
So that I remain unswayed by you.

But can you honestly tell me
You are as happy now as we were before?
You agreed when I asked you this
‘Cause now you have “nerves of steel” and such sorts.

But what’s life worth living if you don’t live in the moment?
In a year, we might not even be around each other anymore.
That would be the end of it.
Would you genuinely feel nothing then?
Inexpressive though I may be, I admit it’s a moment I unimaginably dread.

So here I am, imploring you
To come back to me.. To stay with me.
Never again will I stay away.
Because we were meant to be.
Look back at the impressions.
Let’s relive the memories.
Make this work.
Defy change.
Stay.. For real.
And not let go..
Of you.
Nor me.

Love book

You know there are some books you read,

The pages you turn unknowingly,

You aren’t one of them..

So absorbed you don’t know what’s around you,

Chapters pass by,

Every second is a second that isn’t accounted for,

That book isn’t you..

I turned every page with my soul,

my mind was in it,

was in control(well, under my heart)

You brightened every leaf,

Every reflection and colour.

All the seconds and hours,

I spent with happiness, was in my power,

Just waiting…waiting….to get a glimpse,

Of the reason my heart beats so fast in my chest.

The only time I’m outta control,

Is when I taste your lips on my own.

And I cant stop this drug,

I’m addicted. Its off the charts..

And sometimes I cannot breathe,

I see you and remember what’s been.

I love the sound of your voice,

It makes me crave for all those times..again..

And maybe…now it’ll never be,

Everything now maybe  a replay or fantasy,

And maybe I’m a pain in your arse,

My self respect might’ve gone for a toss,

And you’ll probably never see me in the same light again..

But..

Maybe, probably, I accept..

Because, well..

Love is love.

Living The Dream

I have different.
My normal is different.
But if I want my different?
What if I want normal?

Imagine what it’s like to have your whole life picked out for you.
Imagine never being alone still always feeling lonely.
That’s what being a celebrity’s daughter did to me.
The fame sucked the normalcy out my life.

I respect the fame of course
Respect my dad’s talent.
But do I have an identity of my own?
Hell no, I’m tagged, branded, labeled.
Given the status of a celebrity..
No, not even a celebrity..
Reduced to the stature of a celebrity’s daughter.
With no individual identity.

This stardom and fame is what most seek.
But what I pursue is regularity, conventionality, typicality, commonality.
An extraordinary ordinary.
You people my age crib for prolonged schooling and homework,
I whine for being homeschooled and long for the former.
You socialise day in and day out with all sorts of people while
The only ones I meet are decked up make up dolls oozing with pretentious personalities and artificial niceties.

Whilst you roam free with whomever you want, Whenever you want, however you want,
I’m roaming with a minimum of four well built men for my protection to be concealed and camouflaged.
You have the privilege to take walks in the park,
Go to restaurants and eat any cuisine, Especially made by local footpath vendors,
Jump in rain puddles and have the pleasure to get yourself dirty
But I can’t indulge in those, what you may call, tiny pleasures.
I can’t get dirty as I have an image to uphold
(If not mine, one of my father’s)
I can’t take long walks without being observed microscopically and judged from tip to toe,
My every move reported to all with you jealous lot envying me.

You can interact with either gender, devoid of it being telecasted and printed
But one talk with my dad’s friend’s son,
And..
BREAKING NEWS! That makes the front page.
Scandals and gossips.
Rumours, tales and canards.
Tit-bits and whispers.
Do you care if it’s true or not?
No. Who really cares as long as it serves a good discussion at a party over a meal dismissing boredom!
At what cost? My life!

There was one.
A normal guy I happened to bump into by “accident”
With no notice of my bodyguards.
He realised the prison-like life led by me
And valued me for who I am.
He tried to sneak me into amusement parks, movies..
Anything at all which gave me the slightest possible respite.

I showed him what my dad gifted me. One bracelet for all the continents we’d been to.. All the places he was shot.
And then.. He added to my collection
He gave me one bead
Which i thought signified my time with him.
Instead, he told me it was my first souvenir of the many trips I’ll have on my own.
I felt like I found myself for the first time when I was with him.
He didn’t focus on our relationship.
He tried to build one with my ‘self’.
Tried to cut off the leash I’d been on all these years.
Boosted me to realise that I did have an individual identity.
Had the right to live life my way,
Not the way I was told to, all this while.

My dad wasn’t a bad man.
He seemed to understand that this ‘almost stranger’ did some good to me.
The rebel in me had rested.
So I was permitted to live life my way with my stranger..
Meet him when I could..
But one day..
My dad’s car was bombed
While we were at a premiere of his latest movie.
None harmed.
My stranger carried me to safety.
And put me in the limo assigned to me.
And while I waited for him to get into the car beside me.
He yelled into a walkie-talkie..
“Princess safe.”
And banged the car door shut.
This ..
Was my life.

He was just doing his duty.
He deceived me.
He followed me because he had to. Not because he wanted to.
I soon realised that in my world
Everyone’s a pinnochio.
And it doesn’t take long before I realise the long nose
That was all it had always been.

My dad tries to win millions of hearts worldwide with his “show”
How ironical that he can’t win even one.. His daughter’s.
All the world feels that people like me are “living the dream”.
But to them I say-

The grass is always greener on the other side.
You can’t have the best of both worlds.
I’m living your dream.
While you’re living mine.

I died a Happy Death

There are moments where
You lost all the hope left.
Nothing anyone does or says
Is gonna get you out of it.
However close you are to people
You’re in it alone.
Born alone. Suffer alone.
Will die alone.
It is at this moment of solitude
That I rely on my lifelong companion.
My heart, my love, my soul.
I open my laptop-
Technology’s gift.
And play this song I used to listen to
With my brother who I’m so very close to.
Been years since I’ve heard it.
But now, I just am in the mood to.
The depth of his voice.
The song choice.
The reverberating music.
A slice of divinity laid in front of me.
I lost myself.. While gaining myself.
I realised that this is the happiest I’ll ever be.
And for the first time,
I felt a drop falling from my eye.
Bizarre.
The strongest of moments hadn’t got me to break down.
But music.. Food for the soul..
Had me as fragile as glass.
Which instantly shattered to pieces.
My heart.. Which I kept inexpressive
And unemotional
Suddenly found a new life.
And it seemed to slip out of my hand
Go berserk and live in its actual sense.
For the first time.
I realised there’s not gonna be a time better than this.
This was what I was alive for.
And I did not want to wait for life’s cruelty to engulf me.
This was life’s best offer.
Something that I got in consumer’s surplus
I assure you.
And so..
While the music rings in my ear.
And his voice takes me to a different dimension
Emotionally
I find my gun, that I had used as protection all this while.
I realised I didn’t need protection anymore.
This was it.
While I swayed to the depth.
Profundity of the minor chords being played.
My lips curled up.
For the first time like I meant it.
My hand aimed for my head.
And that’s what I did.
I pulled the trigger.
And for once,
Though I didn’t have a satisfactory life,
I died a happy death.
That’s all I could ask for.

The Magician

It started with an auratic stance
A steady, keen glance
A pleasing approach
Enough for my feet to levitate off the ground..

You’re my magician..
With one spell, you cast me away..

Awestruck.

Your demeanour oozing and radiating perfection
Through every pore.

Spell bound.

Those immaculate hands
Defying impossibilities..
For the first time.
None ever crossing them before.

That precision.
Always knowing what to do where..
What to say when..

Amazed.

Pumped up with adrenaline
Anticipating your every move
Rooting for your mystical gifts..

Lost for words.

There I sit before you..
Soaking in the tranquility
Watching you swish your wand
With that charismatic charm..

There I sit.. Watching you
Take away every inch of my rationality
Every bit of my senses..
Like I’m your personal heroin.

Blown away.

Just when I found
My insecurities fading away..
And as I squealed with childish glee
With the end nearing..

I realized..
I was awaiting an encore,
That would never come.

‘Cause in the end

That was all you were..

A Trickster.. An Illusionist..

Who put up a mighty good show..

And for your last trick.
Which you perfected oh so well..

You unexpectedly took off.
Never to be seen again..

.. And like any other
I was left deceived..

Because after all,
It was just a show.

Rational Irrationality

My irrationality at the spur of the moment was unrighteous..
I had no reason to be mad at you..
You did no wrong and in no way were you at fault..
I was blinded by emotions that I newly got introduced to..
I blamed you for reasons you yourself were unaware of..
Little did you know that every moment spent with you I had counted..
Every memory lived with you I had captured..
Every dream dreamt of you I had lived..
My sentiments are no reason to expect reciprocity..
Or point a finger for your affection towards me.
You always looked at me as a close friend, actually, even family..
But I was foolish to have fallen for you, in a very different sense.
Apologies would not help..
No, I do not apologise for falling in love with you..
It was a true honour
And an experience of a lifetime.
I will not regret one moment of it..
Though few parts were slightly torturous,
You taught me something invaluable,
And rather indescribable..
Thank you..
And no,
I no longer hold you responsible for anything..
I have realized the issue is mine..
And I’ve come to terms with our relationship the way it is..
My love increases threefold every time we meet..
But please don’t make me change that..
I expect nothing and somehow cannot seem to stop feeling what I feel..
Let time do its trick,
Until then..
Let the rational irrationality prevail..